Tale of Emotions Part One: Anxiety

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‘Argh! Here we go again,’ I think to myself. Anxiety gnawing away. Its gnawing is incessant and starts to grate on my nerves. 'KNOCK! KNOCK! Here I am,' it repeatedly says in a tone I can’t quite put my finger on. Regardless, its insistence on letting me know it’s there is deeply frustrating.

But it won’t go away. Why? ‘Because I’m here for a reason, as always,' it declares loudly. My heart sinks, it knows what’s coming. It’s faced anxiety too many times to shrug it off. So now that anxiety has kindly, or let’s be honest not so kindly, alerted me to its presence without much of a fight I sigh and acknowledge it. I try half heartedly to push it away but I know I will eventually let it gain traction. I resent knowing this, but like a story with a predictable ending I always succumb and let it take control.

I take some deep breaths for I know deep, deep, deep down I must now question its presence. I realise that if I don’t want to let anxiety run riot I am going to have to do “the work” to understand why it’s there. And some days I really feel up to the challenge and other days I don’t. Sometimes I pretend it’s not there, but anxiety loves this and knocks ever louder and louder. And pretending anxiety doesn’t exist gives my mind a job to do. A job it loves with a passion. My mind is grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of unleashing my thoughts against me. No, god forbid my mind has my back, is on my side. Nope. It lets rip and hurls my thoughts at me with abandon. My head is now a squash court. My thoughts a squash ball. Powerful, strong, relentless, rhythmic, controlled and this game of squash can only have one winner. As its opponent I am going to have to dig deep, find some energy and strike back, make it a fair competition. Have I given myself the right preparation for this battle? Have I had enough sleep? Have I nourished myself properly? Have I got the right racket to play with? If yes, I may just have the will to win, knock anxiety back to its dark cave to slumber. If no, then it’s going to be an exhausting game with anxiety highly likely to be the winner, gloating as it settles in for the long haul.

I can easily pinpoint where my unwelcome visitor likes to reside. Centred around my solar plexus, its heat emanates and pulses, whilst expelling an acid taste up my throat. My heart feels ever so slightly restricted, causing a noticeable tightness in my breathing. My hands tingle. Anxiety wants me to know it’s there, it won’t go away without a fight. It knows our game well and is confident of winning.

But today I have a new strategy up my sleeve. This game hasn’t been played before. I am hoping to take anxiety to a place its never been before. It senses something but has no time to prepare. I welcome it into my home. ‘What is this?’ it cries. ‘Welcome. Please sit down,' I reply. Has it detected my fake bravado or my wavering smile as I too feel the absurdity of this. Eventually we find a way to sit together and it is SOOOO awkward and SOOOO uncomfortable. We are both clearly not used to this. Anxiety is not sure where this is going and neither am I.

I force myself to sit quietly and I steady myself to look at anxiety from this very different vantage point. I resist the urge to run. I squirm. I gulp and take short breaths. And then I brace myself again and again to face anxiety.

At first it is all a bit of a blur but as I become less afraid I start to see more clearly and recognise I am not afraid to sit in silence with it. I actually welcome its presence today. As we continue to sit together I notice something. I can breathe more easily. My solar plexus feels less hot. After an indeterminate period I feel myself let out a deep sigh. I have always seen anxiety as my enemy, my weakness, yet here we sit and I notice it is not as scary as I had imagined. Anxiety seems rather exposed and vulnerable. I find myself wanting to reach out and touch it. After all it is a part or me. ‘Could we one day become friends?’ I find myself asking. Anxiety looks puzzled. ‘How can we be friends?’ it replies. We ponder this in silence. However, silence is something that my mind abhors.

My mind is confused and bombarding me with its own thoughts. It wants to continue playing squash but I ask it politely to be a spectator today. I ask it to just pause and observe and see what happens. It’s not sure about this at all. It doesn’t want to be an observer. I breathe deeply and with my novice will and determination over time my mind quietens and becomes intrigued with this new game. It wants to interrupt. It wants to be in the spotlight. It wants attention. It demands attention. I ignore it, not with ease but I make the effort to push its unwanted thoughts away. It gets bored after a while realising I am not wanting to play its game. Without my sparring it grudgingly settles down and although not 100% willingly it gradually accepts this new role. Instead of controlling my thoughts, it allows me to converse with anxiety, allows me to be the lead actor in this play. My mind is still not particularly happy with this brand new scenario but accepts this game is not an unworthy one.

Anxiety, myself and my thoughts become more comfortable the longer we sit together. Awkwardness with its powerful presence at the start disperses gradually and curiosity, left out in the wilderness, makes its way hesitantly, stopping and waiting until at last it asks to join us. Curiosity is the mediator that promotes conversation between myself and anxiety. Curiosity waits for permission to start gently asking questions. I nod my head and with this small sign curiosity begins to ask questions. We start to get to know each other. We watch each other in silence. We listen. There are no immediate answers or solutions just glimpses of respect and understanding. Compassion appears for a fleeting moment. So fleeting that it may just have been a mirage. How long will we allow ourselves to become acquainted.

And then we both realise that in the silence, amongst curiosity and fleeting glimpses of compassion, a seed of acceptance has planted itself in our space. A seed that anxiety and I cannot ignore. With this seed, anxiety and myself know our relationship has changed forever. How big this seed will grow, we don’t know the answer but we will see it grow together. As time moves on we wonder how long we need to share this space. How long can we sit here in this new and strange world we have created.

Anxiety makes the first move and slowly retreats back to its cave to slumber until it wakes again. Taking with it the heat and tingles as well as releasing much needed air into my lungs. I feel lighter now and know that we will meet again but I feel okay with this. My mind, exhausted from its earlier fight, is now enjoying a brand new way of being. Feeling restful it enjoys “being” in a meditative state. This state of “being” has allowed me to welcome calm and self-awareness with open arms. Calm and self-awareness envelope me gently and smile at me. I smile back and not knowing how long they will be around I ask them, ‘What shall we do today?’